Horror-scopes!!! (Mar. 14-21, 2010)

pisces Horror scopes!!! (Mar. 14 21, 2010)

We’re in the time of Pisces. Das fish. Who know’s what Dr. Cranfill’s HORRORSCOPE has in store for you? Scroll to your sign and find out.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20th)
dream on until your dreams come true…Seems like there’s always something standing between you and your dreams huh Pisces? Whether it’s Justin Timberlake standing between you and all that Jessica Biel booty, or if it’s people you work with not grasping your genius, or even it’s as simple as just not having enough cash to finance your future. Whatever it is, know this. You cannot stop dreaming. The world needs people with dreams and aspirations otherwise, we’d be Ohio. For all of us. Keep dreaming your dreams Pisces. Unless of course you keep dreaming that one dream where you pee the bed only to awaken to a real life fiasco. You can stop that. Power song? Aerosmith- Dream On

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
I wanna lose these blues I’ve found, down in Lucky Town….You know why you got the blues in Lucky Town huh Cancers? Because there is no such place as Lucky Town, there is no such thing as luck, and there is no such thing as “beating Tetris.” Yeah no, I still haven’t let that go. Stupid Russians and their stupid mind-wank video games that suck me into their world for hours at a time, building, building, building, all predicated on getting that ONE DAMN LONG BLUE PIECE THAT WOULD MAKE ALL OF THIS OK AND NOT MAKE ME WANT TO PUNCH THRU SHEETROCK AND/OR MELON SIZED FRUIT. PHEW. Sorry. See though Cancers? You gotta work and build things around you so you’ll never need a favor from lady luck. Do this, and you’ll understand why I say luck does not exist. Power song? Bruce Springsteen- Lucky Town

Leo (July 23- Aug.22)
cause they know, and so do i, the high road is hard to find….Ya know, the high road isn’t usually hard to find for you Leo’s. But, uh.. last week’s advice, “don’t worry about being perfect”, yeah….We need to put an end to that. Sh!t is falling apart everywhere around here since you stopped giving so much of a sh!t. Nice Cranfill. Sh!t twice in one sentence, now three times total. Ok so I’ll say it for the rest of us, “we need you Leo’s to go back to caring so much. It makes the rest of us work harder so we don’t look like such schlubs by comparison.” I know I’mumma regret saying the world kinda revolves around the effort of you Leo’s, but it sort of does. Lead us up the High Road Leo’s. Power song? Broken Bells- the High Road

Aries (March 21-April 19)
taking care of business, everyday….Apparently, there are some people out there that actually like Bachman Turner Overdrive. Hell, there are actually people out there AGAINST stem cell research. I know. Crazy. Different strokes I guess. Anyway, its TCB time for you Aries this week. You’ve been letting some little thing simmer and fester and it’s time you TCB’ed it. Seriously. Google Image search Bachman Turner Overdrive. Do those guys look like they play around? Hells No. They take care of mother flippin’ business. You should too. Power song? Bachman Turner Overdrive- Taking Care of Business

Capricorn (Dec.23- Jan. 20)
Capricorn- no phone, no phone, I just want to be alone….Yes this is some oddly specific horrorscope advice for you Capri’s this week. Maybe I shouldn’t call you guys Capri’s because capri pants are stupid and you Caps aren’t really stupid. A bit miserly maybe, but not stupid. But yeah, you need to make a concerted effort to eschew phone usage as much as possible this week. Call it a hunch but something tells me you guys are gonna get smashed at some point this week and do some big game hunting or worse, super no-no drunk texting. Textings even worse because there’s a record of it. No way to deny it. Sparingly use this fiendish device if at all possible. Power song? Cake- No Phone

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov.21)
for those about to rock, we salute you….There are winners, losers, and primordial ooze (see Heidi Montag) in this world and right now you are at a cross roads of which you’re going to be. You can step up and rock, and we’ll all salute you. Or you can be a loser and fade into lost memories like Cop Rock. OR, you can make another surface change to yourself that will guarantee that you will never biodegrade and that will make the rest of us change our view of you from dislike to genuine pity. Your choice. My suggestion is, rock. You Scorpio’s are quite the shooting stars when you’re playing for the home team. Power song? AC/DC- For Those About to Rock

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
just taste the funk, let it hit me….The funky is funky and yeah, well, you Taurii have been BAPTIZED in the funk here recently. Life’s been taking a triumphant steamer on you here recently and you’ve approached it with admirable aplomb. Look it up. The question is, would you like to know how to vanquish this funk for good? Look it right in face and say, “Come on funk! You don’t scare me. After Taco Bell’s new Pacific Shrimp Taco, I fear nothing!” This is always the last step in riding yourself of funk and inconvenience. Looking it right in the eye with a bowed back and the knowledge that it can’t hurt you anymore if you don’t let it. Power song? Afrikaa Bambaata- Planet Rock

Gemini (May 21- June 21)
i’m on to the next one, on to the next….Looks like Papa’s got a brand new bag huh Gemini’s? You’ve got a nice healthy bag of new opportunity that might even be a couple grams over. Score. While you are on to the next, on to the next, you need to keep in mind lessons learned from the last bag. Know this bag IS a new one, but don’t forget what didn’t work for you with the last bag. And trust me, if you use this new bag wisely, it could very well take you to unseen before heights. I mean all this metaphorically by the way because there’s no way I am telling you that you should buy better pot. I would probably get fired for that so it’s a good thing that’s not what I am telling you to do. Power song? Jay-Z- On to the Next

Sagittarius (Nov.22-Dec. 21)
coming on over to the overload, overload, overload….Feel it? The overload coming? Yea, to quote Snap, it’s gettin’, it’s gettin, it’s gettin’ kinda hectic. In your world at least, and you can feel the overload coming. Here’s the deal. There are overloads that you learn to fight and deal with and there are overloads that put you in the ground. You need to decide what you wanna do with this current load. I like saying the word load. Maybe that’s something I should keep to myself. Anyway, Sagits, the overload is coming. What you need to figure out is it worth the fight or should you pull the stopper from the drain? Power song? Gorillaz- Stylo

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
oh its on the street, the heat is on….Ever heard the expression, strike while the tire iron is hot? No? It’s a pretty sound theory really. It means when the time is right, you gotta strike. I like to wait until they approach the buttons for the elevator because their back will be to you, making it easier strike. Usually with a hammer. Plus, when the elevator carriage gets there, PRESTO, a place to momentarily hide the body. Wow. I just re-read that and maybe’s it’s time to talk to somebody about these things in my head. Sorry. Libra’s. The iron is hot this week. Strike it. Power song? Glenn Frey- the Heat is On

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept.22)
he’s a super trooper, really super trooper…Last week I told you to check a mixed message sender. If ya did it like I’s told ya, you should now have a super trooper on your team. See how quick the sheep get in the pin when your crook arm is strong? Now. If you failed to heed last weeks advice, then you are still at square one and should go back and complete your task like you’re told or else you’ll get the hose again. Mmmkay? Congrats if you followed directions. This take chargedness looks good on you. The rest of you? Let this the Oceans song be your soundtrack to acquiring your own Super Trooper. Power song? the Oceans- Supertrooper

Aquarius (Jan.21- Feb.19)
elevation, elevation, elevation….I hear that Jillian Barberiewhatever has started reading these Horrorscopes after I took a few shots at her in the last couple of months so Jillian dear, elevation means to rise above. I wanna make sure you are following along, I do appreciate your readership. I kid. She’s a good sport. Terrible kisser though. Anywho, elevation Aquarius. I know it can sometimes be difficult for you water people to elevate above, unless you’re a dolphin or a vendetta carrying orca working at Sea World. But whatever BS is around you at the moment, now’s the time for you to elevate above it. Do it like David Blaine used to do but in a much less douchey way. Power song? U2- Elevation


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