aries2 Horror scopes!! (Mar.30 Apr.4)

We’ve arrived in the time of Aries. THE RAM. The first sign of the zodiac. See what Dr. Cranfill’s horrorscopes have in store for you this week…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
– i took the wrong road that led to the wrong tendencies….You know how would just start to be getting on a roll in Monopoly and only needed Baltic Ave to complete your purple ghetto monopoly but you would roll a 7 instead of the 8 you needed and would land on Community Chest instead? And then the Community Chest card tells you to go back 4 spaces which puts you on Luxury Tax which THEN causes you to lose your $200 pass go money. Yeah well, you rolled wrong at some point last week and unless you go back and right this wrong, the universe is gonna make you pay a Luxury Tax on it if you catch my drift. And if you don’t catch my drift, maybe you should be playing with Tinker Toys instead of reading. Power song? Depeche Mode- Wrong


Cancer (June 22-July 22)
– disarm you with a smile…. I generally like to disarm people with a Japanese Arm Drag or with the tried and true slide kick, (thank you M. Bison), but sometimes a contentious situation requires a more delicate approach. You’ve got one of those situations going on right now. You’ve been mountain goat style butting heads with another here recently and your attempts to gain the upper hand with brute force are continually getting met with equal force leaving things at a stalemate. Time to try a different tactic. No. Not murder. Geezus what’s wrong with you? No, I mean, try being…..nice. Disarm them with a smile instead of nun chucks. You may find that the other ram in your head butt fest, is actually an ally, probably all too much like yourself. Power song? Smashing Pumpkins- Disarm

Leo (July 23-Aug.22)
– what’s love, got to do, got to do, got to do with it….You Leo’s are a loving and compassionate bunch. And that’s nice and all. The rest of us can always use a pining wanna be lover waiting in the background to settle, for when the real chick we wanted ends up choosing the Ed Hardy shirt wearing douchebag over us. We know you’ll be there to love us like you were our first choice. Ouch. Now that you know that, you should work on taking some love out of your M.O. this week and get down to cold and calculating business. Take your heart out of the equation for once and maybe you’ll see the error of your current way. Power song? Tina Turner- What’s Love

Taurus (Apr.20-May 20)
– if your thing is gone, and you wanna ride on, cocaine…Look at how excited your face got when you read cocaine. Easy cracky. You may have a problem. This horrorscopes has nothing to do with actual cocaine. Everything I say is all metaphorical and junk. Read the whole lyric from Eric. “If your thing is gone, and you wanna ride on, cocaine.” On the surface, you would think Clap-Dog is saying that if you’re too drunk to drive but have to, use cocaine. What he is ACTUALLY saying is, you gotta know when it’s time to call something quits before you start walking down a painful road that never ends. Don’t artificially prolong anything this week that you know in your  heart is already done. Power song? Eric Clapton- Cocaine

Capricorn (Dec.23- Jan.20)
– tiiiiiiiiiiiime, why you punish me….Well, here’s a hint why time has been punishing you here recently Caps. (Psssttt….IT’S BECAUSE YOU GUYS SUCK AT TIME MANAGEMENT!!) You’re really watching a DVR Glee marathon right now when that Sociology paper is due tomorrow? You can’t seriously be going all in in a cash game on a Queen 6 off suited right now when you know Lumbergh’s gonna ask for those TPS Reports first thing tomorrow morning? And I know last week I didn’t see you at Jack in the Box doubling up on Deli Trio Grilled Sandwiches when you were SUPPOSED to be working out with your trainer? Mmmmmmhmmm. Now you got an F, you’re broke, and to top it all off, you’re fat. Time will stop making you its bitch as soon as you stop letting it dress you like one. TIME MANAGEMENT. Power song? Hootie and the Blowfish- Time

Scorpio (Oct.24-Nov.21)
– some say we’ll see armageddon soon…Yeah, buncha folk bout to see Armageddon here soon. Know who those people are? They are the people that stand in the way of a Scorpio this week. You Scorpio’s are going to be doing some spring cleaning of people and obstacles around you that have no business being there in the first place. Time to clean em out Scorps. You know what I am talking about right now and the crazy thing is, even if you have decided you don’t believe in anything I ever write in these horrorscopes, watch how you come back next week to me and say, “Damn Cranfill, you’re all wise and sh!t.” Visit armageddon upon the clutter in your life Scorpio’s. People and things. Power song? Tool- Aenema

Pisces (Feb.19-Mar.20)
– so come on and take a free ride…..Free rides sound cool. Especially when you’ve been at Saddle Ranch on Sunset since 11 in the morning drinking bottomless mimosa’s and now it’s 10:30 pm and one of the waitresses offers you a free ride on the bull for being such a good drunk all day. Then your boob pops out mid-bull ride but you’re too drunk to notice it and when the ride is done and you walk around the bar for 10 minutes with every one staring at your misplaced mammary. That’s when you realize not all free rides are cool. Sometimes there is a very hidden price to pay for an opportunity that at the time, sounds too good to pass up. Power song? Edgar Winter Group- Free Ride

Virgo (Aug.23-Sept.22)
– touch me again for the words you’ll hear ever more, don’t tread on me….You Virgo’s would be the first to admit that, at times, you guys are kinda soft. There’s no fight in you which in turn, makes you the perfect rape victim. And I am willing to bet somebody has been taking advantage of this dubious fact here recently. Short of going on a crystal meth mixed with gun powder snorting binge, I need you Virgo’s to bow your backs this week. Channel your inner William Wallace and stop the treading on you. Bonus points if you confront the person wearing war blue face paint armed with a spiked mace. Power song? Metallica- Don’t Tread on Me

Libra (Sept23-Oct.23)
– let it go, this too shall pass…..Yeah, if kidney stones were only that easy. Libra’s, due to the fact that a certain sulfuric celestial body will be orbiting dangerously close to a specific self-luminous celestial body consisting of a mass of gas held together by its own gravity, you may have a bump or two in the road of love this week. Stupid Venus and stupid Gamma Librae. It’s ok though. Just like NBC programming, this is just temporary. Just as long as you don’t make a THING out of it.  Just grit your teeth, and know, due to the machinations of the solar system, Venus and Gamma Librae will soon enough be far enough apart again to not cause you romantical stryfe. I understand nothing of what I just said. Power song? OK GO- This Too Shall Pass

Gemini (May 21-Jun.21)
– wake up, little Suzie, wake up…The alarm clock has been blaring that same annoying ass note in your hear for like weeks now and yet, you keep hitting the snooze button. Time to wake up my little bi-polar Gemini monkey’s. That one thing? It is what you don’t want to admit it is and the sooner you accept that, the sooner you can get on with the rest of your day. I will let the Everly Brothers tell you to wake up this time, but if we have to have this talk again next week, I’ma let Zach De Larocha from Rage Against the Machine scream WAAAKE UP at you. Power song? Everly Brothers- Wake Up

Sagittarius (Nov.22-Dec.21)
Sagittarius– hey Jude….don’t be afraid…According to this Romanian lady I pay 10 bucks a session to sit here beside me and spout astrological non-sense while I write horrorscopes, you Sagits are going to have be a soothing voice of calm and reason in somebody else’s life this week. Being a comforter isn’t your strongest suit but you’ll manage. Trust your soothsayer…..Me. Not the Romanian lady. I don’t even speak Romanian, I’m just guessing as to what she is babbling about. Probably something about the length of her chain again. Good thing that radiator is sturdy. Be your peoples comforter this week Sagits. They need you. Power song? the Beatles- Hey Jude

Aquarius (Jan 21.-Feb.19)
– vooooodoo, running from the magic….BEFORE YOU HIT PLAY ON YOUR POWER SONG, know, it is totally NSFW. Don’t know what NSFW means? Google it. This ain’t acronym school. This a horrorscope. Now. Voodoo. Magic. In other words weirdness. Weirdness that you’ve hiding from. When in fact, its a weirdness you should be embracing. Live in it. Solve its mysteries. Learn that there are no guerillas in the mist. Mainly because at some point after Barbershop, Ice Cube stopped making hard core rap music and started making vomit inducing family comedy movies. Seriously dude? You made a sequel to Are We There Yet? See what happens when you don’t let a little of the weirdness in Aquarii? Schedule some weirdness into your life. Power song? (WARNING: do not listen to power song if you are easily offended, just remember the guerillas in the mist part) Da Lench Mob- Guerillas in the Mist


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