twinsgemini Horror scopes June 2nd 10th
Horror-scopes time!!! It’s the time of the twins, you Gemini’s. What, pray tell, is in your future? Only one way to know and that’s to check out this weeks horror-scopes, courtesy of Dr. Cranfill….

Gemini May 22-Jun.21
Geminiand this is your warning, 4 minute warning…..Cool out…. I wouldn’t forecast doom and gloom in this, your birthday month. Maybe even week. No. You will be getting some gentle warnings now and if you don’t heed them, more aggressive warnings later. Like when your new boss says “You’re well put together today Jeanine.” If you don’t realize what the score is right then and right there, you’ll be on a fast road to strategically dropped pencils and “Hey Jeanine if you want to keep your job you should probably come bang me in the elevator.”  Don’t make up something that isn’t there but do know, the genesis of a possible pain in the ass is planting its roots this week. You’d do well to heed the warning signs. Power song? Radiohead- 4 Minute Warning

Taurus Apr.21-May 21
Taurusi’m so hot for her and she’s so cold…Man, these lyrics read like a LOT of my diary entries…Wait..I don’t keep a diary…that would be ludicrous… It really sucks when you want someone or something so, so bad and they are just deli-meat cold on you. What makes it even worse is that you respect this person or thing so much that chloroform, roofies and clubs to the head are, for once, out of the question. So how to warm em up to you? Right now you are showing them what you think they want to see out of you instead of showing them the YOU that YOU really are. You’re being a bleeding volcano when I need you to be more of a truth tsunami. When you show em the truth, they’ll have no other choice than to get swept up in the current. Power song? Rolling Stones- She’s So Cold

Aries Mar.21-Apr.20
Ariesi’m gonna live i’m allright, I’m gonna die I’ts allright, it’s ok….Inevitability can be a scary word. Especially the way Agent Smith says it in the first Matrix movie. Truly accepting the fact that everything has end point inevitability frees you from the burden of fretting its arrival, thereby allowing you to enjoy your stroll from dawn to dusk, as it where. Don’t let Omega stare you down to a point of paralysis, instead, nod to it with respect and continue enjoying your time on the path. Man. Either that was like, Jacques Costeau deep or I mixed up which cookies were which again. Speaking of cookies, what the hell ever happened to those Keebler Soft Batch Oatmeal Raisin Cookies? Those were Tits McGee. Power song? Good Old War- That’s Some Dream

Libra Sept.24-Oct.23
Libracome on, join the party, dress to kill….I know for a fact I have ran over an ENDLESS number of hookers with my car, and then robbed back the money I had previously paid for their services while listening to Eminence Front on K-DST. You know K-DST right? Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas? What? You think I would REALLY kill a hooker with my car THEN rob her in real life? Maybe one or the other but not both. Besides, hitting her with the car makes it armed robbery and that’s at least a 7-10 years minimum sentence. Especially if you back over her. Won’t you come and join the party? Dressed to kill Pete asks in the lyrics of this song. There is a good “party” going on somewhere in your life and the only way you’ll be invited is if you are “dressed, and ready to kill.” When I use quotation marks like that I mean metaphorically speaking. Eh. You’ll figure it out or you wont. Power song? the Who- Eminence Front

Virgo Aug.22-Sept.23
VirgoI’m a cool rockin daddy in the USA..BORN IN THE USA….U-S-A!!!! U-S-A!!!! U-S-A!!! Nothing better to get the redneck mob moving better than a good ol’ fashioned chant of USA!! USA!!! USA!!! Don’t get me wrong, I ain’t disrespectin’ USA the week after Memorial Day. I love me some Stars and Stripes. So does Bruce Springsteen. But Springsteen also denounced the Vietnam War in this, his patriotic masterpiece. See, Bruce knows the good in America: rock n roll, blue jeans and glory days, just as he knows the wrong. (Vietnam War, slavery, genocide of the Native Americans and VH1) Whatever it is that you “rep” these days keep in mind that at some point it’s going to be on the wrong side of the ball. Accepting this will keep you from turning into one of these morans. Power song? Bruce Springsteen- Born in the USA

Cancer Jun.22-July 22
Cancerthis much I know is true, I wanna do bad things with you…It seems a bit weird that I am encouraging you Cancers to embrace your dark side this week. Actually, it makes perfect sense since I am a Cancer and for reasons unknown to me I’ve been wanting to put my first thru some sheetrock all week. So, maybe it’s my darkside that’s coming out and I want some company, or it could just be that I was paid 40 bucks by a friend in the HBO promotion department to mention the season premiere for True Blood season 3 on HBO coming up on June 13th in this weeks horrorscopes. Tell you what. How bout you go ahead and embrace your darkside this week AND watch the season premiere of True Blood on HBO on June 13th. That way, we both win. Power song? Jace Everett- Bad Things

Scorpio Oct.24-Nov.22
Scorpiolose it all, rolling the dice of her life….After I saw the pictures of Bret Michaels wearing a bandana on his death bed a few weeks ago, I swore I wouldn’t contribute any more to his oh-so-obvious media whoredom but here we are with Fallen Angel as a power song for you Scorpios. Look. I know. Gambling is fun. Especially when you’re plastered on Makers Mark and whippets at the roulette table at the Hard Rock in Vegas and bet your entire stack on Black 20 and it hits. I know that feeling but here’s the rub. That sh!t only happens once, maybe three times in a weekend. NO, sorry, lifetime. Once or twice in a life time. Whatever you’ve been gambling on here recently, you might should fold a few hands before you crap out spectacularly. Power song? Poison- Fallen Angel

Sagittarius Nov.23-Dec.22
Sagittariushave your passports ready….Rome…Their really aren’t any lyrics per se to On the Run, the Pink Floyd original OR the Flaming Lips cover. I wanted the Flaming Lips version instead of Pink Floyds for you because it illustrates the point I am about to make. Don’t shy away from doing or trying something because you don’t think you will measure up to the original or because it has simply already been done. Everything under the sun HAS in fact, already been done but they haven’t been done by you and that’s what we’re all waiting for. Just think if Ike and Tina woulda been TOO scared to cover Proud Mary by CCR? Or what if Zelda Cranfill, my great-great-great-great-great-aunt, of Yadkinville, North Carolina would have never invented bacon macaroni and cheese? What then? Regular old macaroni and cheese? Pfft. Power song? Flaming Lips- On the Run

Aquarius Jan.21-Feb.19
Aquariusi know you hate me but I’ll ask anyway….”Why squirrel hate me?” I know at least one of you that giggled because you remember that commercial. Moving on. Aquarius. You are misreading somebody in your tiny, insignificant world here recently. You THINK, somebody hates you or is disagreeable with you, or just generally wishes your father was an impotent drunk who could never complete the act of coitus thereby relegating your existence to mere conjecture, but they don’t. You’re projecting that on them. No reason to either. Stop thinking they hate you. Unless of course you top-shelfed their toilet last time you were at their house. If that’s the case, then they may in fact hate you. Power song? Silverchair- Tomorrow

Capricorn Dec.23-Jan.20
CapricornI want to love you, pretty young thing….Remember last week when I told you guys to find a proper outlet for your current frustrations? Well, I have a remedy for you. Find a pretty young thing. Some of you reading this right now, just took a dark, dark turn mentally when I told you to find a pretty young thing to take your frustrations out on. You might want to talk to somebody about where you just went. And don’t front. I know there are some of you out there. Anyway. A pretty young thing is what you all should be searching for. Not to take your frustrations OUT on, but to alleviate your frustrations all together. Find something, anything, new and pretty this week and revel in it. New clothes, new bars, new people, whatever. Power song? Michael Jackson- PYT

Leo July 23-Aug.21
Leoseems my nightmares have just begun….So how many cups are you going to put out for this little tea and crumpet pity party you’ve been throwing for yourself here recently? I’ll give you a piece of advice, put ZERO cups out. None of us care. Seriously. You guys have a habit of going into pity party mode and it’s always for something half-assed. We love you and all, really, we do, it’s just that that mess gets old. Curtail any bob-marley-and-the-wailing you’ve been doing recently. It’s not a nightmare, it’s just a minor inconvenience. A nightmare is being married to Linda Hogan for 24 years. I’ll never forgive you for what you did to the Hulkster lady. Power song? Led Zeppelin- the Wanton Song

Pisces Feb.20-Mar.20
Piscescause I’m already gone, and I’m feeling strong…..Round of applause for Pisces people..CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP. Allright, allright!!! I don’t want you fishes getting any bigger of a head than you already have but congrats. You’ve been making a conscientious effort to leave something behind here recently and you’ve been doing mad decent job of it. Keep up the good work. Whether its been you quitting smoking, quitting a boyfriend, or finally shutting down that side printing business that you’ve been running off the company’s dime thru the mailroom at your REAL job, kudos for abandoning this bad behavior. Keep driving away from it because it can’t hurt you if you’re already gone.  Power song? Eagles- Already Gone

  1. Stan says:

    “genesis of a possible pain in the ass”

    Doctor, to ease pain in the cusp of Uranus do you recommend wearing Dr Who underpants?

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