libra1 Dr. Cranfills HORRORSCOPES (Sept.30 Oct.8)
We have moved into the time of LIBRA ladies and jellyspoons. What do the stars and planets have in store for you and yours? Only one way to find out. Heed the words of Dr. Cranfill inside this weeks HORRORSCOPES……

Well, I’m hot blooded, check it and see…Dunno what it is about you Libra’s but as soon as the autumnal equinox hits, you guys go all hot blooded like puppy in a boiling soup kettle. Wow, that was a grim metaphor. Sorry. No but for reals you normally balanced Libras are gonna be a bit hot blooded here for the next week or so. A bit angry. A bit randy. A bit fly-off-at-the-handle-y. Don’t fight it, just be aware that it’s gonna be there for a bit. But don’t let the randy-ness get away from you. We got enough sex trophies running around these days. We dont need you accidentally knocked up too. Power song? Foreigner- Hot Blooded

(June 22-July 22)
dream on until your dream come true….Yeah, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. had a dream but you ain’t no Martin Luther King Jr. Hell, here recently you haven’t even been Al Sharpton. More like Tracy McGrady. Celebrating playoff wins before they even happen. Too much talking and prancing and not enough walking and dancing.  Time for the lips to shut and the feet to strut this week Cancers. Ok, no more rhymes…and I mean it……anybody want a peanut?  Power song? Aerosmith- Dream On

(July 23-Aug.21)
because I’ve been to hell and now I’m back again….You wanna know what my hell was loyal readers? In 3rd grade when Mrs. Neill wouldn’t let me go to bathroom and I peed my pants in front of the whole class. That was my hell. You know how I know I am never going back to that kinda hell? Because next time she tried to pull that on me, I peed in the class potted fern right in front of Ginny Austin. A return to one of your hells is coming this week but it can easily be avoided by “peeing in the classes potted fern” so to speak. Power song? Steve Earle- I Feel Alright

(March 21-April 20)
who needs actions when you got words….Some pansy Quaker might see this lyric and applaud its apparent stance on non-violence. Sucks for them cause they couldn’t be wronger. In fact, whenever you are given the chance, I say go for it. Sock somebody in the face. It’s quite liberating. BUT, this week you may run into multiple problems. Some will be solved with a punch to the face, and some will need a more Quakerly “pacifism is a pillar of my faith” approach. Imperative you indentify which needs what and to apply the appropriate action. Power song? Nirvana- Plateau

(April 21-May-21)
good times, bad times, you know I’ve had my share…That’s kind of life kids. Good times. Bad times. Throwing up Goldschlager in a Town Square fountain times. The key to this whole LIFE thing honestly is don’t get too up, don’t get too down. And don’t pour a pint of Goldschlager down your gullet on an empty stomach after a 12-pack of Amber Bock. Keep it balanced Taurii. I would say hang out with a Libra for pointers but they got their own issues going on this week. Power song? Led Zeppelin- Good Times Bad Times

I can see a new horizon…I can’t seem to see anything other than John Parr’s hair in this video. For real. Look at it. It’s magical. Like a unicorn making sweet, sweet love to the still warm carcass of Justin Bieber. Officially just went too far there didn’t I? Guess those CBS Corporate Eye on Ethics training modules aren’t working. So yeah, I guess be on the look out for new horizons or some sh!t this week Capricorns. Power song? John Parr- St Elmos Fire

im feeling so fly like a G-6….Like a G-6 you say? You guys do know there is no such thing as a G-6? G-5 is the biggest private jet liner going these days. Bet your ass Rick Peck knew that. But if these guys were going all metaphorical on this, I’m with it. You Scorpios are a hot commodity right now and you should carry yourself like a G-6. You so fly, they haven’t even invented you yet. That’s how strong your pimp hand will be this week. Power song? Far East Movement- G-6

save it for later….yeah, yeah, yeah, for a rainy day so the platinumatude says. Listen people. The National Geological Society says that a major 6.0 or higher earthquake is gonna strike the LA area sometime this Thursday or Friday so throw that saving it for later BS out the window. Spend, spend, spend. Drink, drink, drink. Bang, bang, bang. Carpe diem this week my friends. Even if the San Andreas doesn’t kill us all this week, there aint no rainy days to wait for in Southern California either. Power song? Modern English- Save it For Later

(May 22-June 21)
this could all be simpler…..As the creepy Mormon prophet guy from HBO’s Big Love asks at the beginning of your power song video, why are the Black Rebel Motorcycle Club driving from New York to Los Angeles when they can so easily fly? Well ya polygamist creep show, sometimes the road is made by walking. Meaning, sometimes the roadside scenery is more important than the actual destination. Keep that idea as a forethought all week long. Power song? Black Rebel Motorcycle Club- Stop

hanging by a moment here with you…Oh Lifehouse. What CAN’T we learn from you? You get Lifehouse power song punishment this week Aquarii due to your insistence on treading water on something. Sooner or later that water is going to turn to quicksand and you will get sucked under and die unless you are the Beastmaster and have a couple of highly trained ferrets that can save your ass. Last I checked, you aint got no highly trained ferrets so what say you stop treading water and get on with whatever it is you are supposed to be doing. Power song? Lifehouse- Hanging By a Moment

(Feb.20-March 20)
come on little honey and dance with me…Everybody needs a dance partner. Fred needed Ginger. Ali needed Frazier. Michael Flatley needs his unitard. Thing is, none of them were afraid to look across at the other and say, “hey, me and you? Let’s do this thing.” You have been putting off some kind of partnership here recently and it is to your detriment. You could be dancing or boxing your way to glory but either way this union needs to happen. Power song? the Cult- Sweet Soul Sister

I’m like F&*$ you and uh, F&$^ her too….DAYUM all Cee-Lo Green does is craft monster hits. What a song. This ones dealing with the heart ache of not being good enough for an ex. Virgo’s, you are going to have a run in with an ex this week probably. Remember, you don’t have the motown heart that Cee-Lo does so screaming/crying F&$* YOU in their face probably isn’t going to be a #1 hit for you. Instead, revel in the fact that if the increase in global population continues, there’s no statistical way you won’t finally find your match at some point. Power song? Cee Lo- F&@* You

Comments (2)
  1. Joyell says:

    Your horrorscopes are always right on. How do you come up with them. I’m Aquarius by the way.

  2. Dr. Cranfill says:

    I let the the planets, the stars, and the Jameson guide me Joyell. Glad you enjoy the Horrorscopes.

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