cranfilllibra HORROR SCOPES!!! Oct. 21st 28th
As we approach the end of the Libra cycle and look forward to the time of Scorpio, Dr. Cranfill has some very important messages for you all in this weeks installment of HORROR-SCOPES….

(Sept.24- Oct.23)
Libra- ain’t nobody…..That’s what I used to mumble when my Science teacher used to ask the class wasn’t their somebody that wanted to be my lab partner? I don’t blame them though. I used to like to have Dead Cat Marionette Theatre when we had cats to dissect in Anatomy class. That kinda thing keeps most people at bay. But we’re off point here. Libra’s, showcase the skills that are yours and only yours this week. So when somebody asks, “Who does this better than you?”, you can say, “Ain’t nobody.” Power song? Chaka Khan- Ain’t Nobody

Scorpio- chain….keeps us together…Besides a chain, and maybe an unexpected child, what else keeps people and things together? More importantly, what is keeping you chained to your guy/girl, job/career, Wienerschnitzel/Panda Express? Is it just a routine you have fallen into or are your counterparts truly meeting your needs? I keep ordering Orange Chicken every single time I go to the Panda but uh…I think I kinda hate Orange Chicken. I just got used to ordering it. And look, there’s some fresh General Tso’s sitting there that is probably delicious but I’ll never know unless I ask myself, “Cranfill, seriously, why the Orange Chicken?” Ask yourself about the Orange Chicken in your life. Power song? Fleetwood Mac- The Chain

(March 21- April 20)
Aries- show me, show me, show me how you do that trick….You know the one….When you put your feet behind your head and you start j….Wait. Wait, wait, wait sorry. I was confusing your thing with the helicopter scene from the Avatar Porn Spoof from Hustler I was watching the other day. Sorry. It was amazing BTW. But yes. We all have our own little tricks we’ve learned over the years for different things. This week, instead of showing off yours, scholarly ask others about theirs. Expand your game. Power song? the Cure- Just Like Heaven

(Apr.21- May 21)
tighten up your reins, you’re running wild….Yeah, you’ve been running wild but then again, nobody does it like the bull right? Something tells me you’ve been hearing some variation of “tighten up your reins you’re running wild” from people here recently. What do they know? They probably still eat and McDonalds and think Christine O’Donnell has good ideas. Taurii? You guys keep doing what you’re doing. Everybody else is stupid. But you already knew that didn’t you? Power song? Black Keys- Tighten Up

(Feb.20- March 20)
Pisces-………….It’s easy to get burrowed into a comfort zone for you Pisces. Your Tempurpedic Matress of Life is nice and all but in my book, complacency is the 2nd biggest sin behind only not putting out when given the chance. I know you’re all, “I don’t give a damn bout yo’ book Cranfill.” Which is a lie. Because you are reading my book right now. Advantage Cranfill. Get out of your well burrowed comfort nest this week Pisces. Set the tone by listening to your power song which I know will be out of the zone for most of you. Power song? Omar Faruk Tekbelik- Shashkin

(Nov.23- Dec.22)
Sagittariussailing….takes me away…Did you know that if you turn the volume all the way up, at the very beginning of this song, you can actually hear Christopher Cross being castrated in the background? It’s there I swear. Well, we know sailing takes Christopher Cross away, but what takes you away Sagits? And have you been sailing away when you should be coming into port? Honestly I have no idea what I am saying anymore but these brownies sure are delicious. Power song? Christopher Cross- Sailing

(Jan.21- Feb.19)
Aquariusyou really oughta know….You ever get that feeling that somebody close to you is keeping a super, gigantic, Sophia Verga cup sized secret from you ABOUT YOU? That may just be me because I sometimes think I was adopted because my parents are such nice people I am….well, whatever the hell it is I am. But no, I feel it around you Aquarii this moon. Somebody is keeping something from ya. Better do some sleuthing on that. Power song? Led Zeppelin- Over the Hills

(Aug.22- Sept.23)
Virgo- this may hurt a little but it’s something you’ll get used to….On this surface, yes, this song is exactly what you think it’s about. The Big F. But, if you were to dig a little deeper, you would find Maynard is giving a treatise on desensitization. You Virgo’s have been falling into that trap recently. Becoming desensitized to things that shouldn’t be happening to you but are. If you continue down this path, there’s no telling what you will allow your self to get used to. You might wanna pump the brakes on that. Power song? Tool- Stinkfist

 (Dec.23- Jan. 20)
Capricornstill my guitar gently weeps…..You know what besides a set of great fake boobs on a man makes me gently weep Capricorns? Stupid people. More specifically, ill-informed people talking loudly. For once, this isn’t you. But you are going to be amongst them this week. Instead of fighting them, try calmly educating them on the finer points they were attempting to espouse on. Be a teacher. Horace Mann. Speaking of Horace Mann, they used to be my car insurance policy holder until they tried screw me out of $1,000 a few years back. Ha ha, suck it H&M, I never paid it and collections dropped the case. Seriously, suck it. Power song? the Beatles- My Guitar Gently Weeps

 (June 22- July 22)
Cancershake your rumpAAAA…..You know how excited dogs get right after they take a huge dump and they start cartoon-style running in place before they go absolutely ape-shit? Now, I don’t want you to pop a squat in a neighbors yard or anything but I WOULD like you to channel some of that off-the-chain energy those dogs have. Time to get loose this week. Run around like Laver and Julious did in the video for that other Beastie Boys song, 5 Piece Chicken Dinner. Power song? Beastie Boys- Shake Your Rump

(May 22-June 21)
knights in white satin…..Knights in white satin. Knights in shining armor. Wives that love fantasy football and won’t ever disparage you for you lack of leafy green intake. All of these things are myths. Constructs of the idyllic impossible. Disney and porn have done this to us. Make sure you keep YOUR ideals and societies ideals distinct in your head so you don’t get em confused this week. This is, in more detail, what I was talking about last week. Wait. This song is NIGHTS in White Satin not KNIGHTS in white satin. SH!T. Power song? the Moody Blues- Nights in White Satin

(July 23-Aug.21)
Leoif you judge a book by it’s cover….It may just be the whippets but I am having a hard time following the music video for this song. I know it has something to do with the whole “don’t judge a book by its cover” platitude and maybe that’s the metaphorical construct on all the weirdness in the video. Who knows, I hear a tea kettle….Usually it’s a good idea to follow the previously discussed platitude but you Leo’s are usually pretty accurate judges so judge away. I judge ABC of doing too much coke in the 80’s which would explain the 13 different members they have had over the years and why Wikipedia lists only Martin Fry as a remaining member. Power song? ABC- Look of Love


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