Horror-scopes!! Nov. 24th-Dec.2nd

             sagits Horror scopes!! Nov. 24th Dec.2nd
We have reached the SAGITTARIUS part of the zodiac cycle. What do the stars portend? Who knows but Dr. Cranfill will damn sure hazard a guess..

(Nov.23rd-Dec. 22nd)
Sagittariusmy mind is set on over drive…I dunno about over drive but I know MAXIMUM Overdrive!!! Thank you Steven King for the novel that turned into, quite possibly, the greatest movie ever made. Your head feeling a little over drive-y here recently Sagits? Yeah, and it’s not just your recreational speed habit. Life can be fast. Just ask that 5-time Sprint Cup Winning bastard Jimmie Johnson. I HATE YOU 48, I HATE YOU!! Sorry for my end of NASCAR season rage-ahol there. Just keep the following in mind this week…it’s ok for life to be fast, just make sure you come in for a pit stop from time to time. Power song? Greenday- Brain Stew

its just a shot away….Scorpio’s, can’t believe I am having to tell you this but it’s time for you to take that one shot. Don’t get excited Wade, I’m not talking about Rumpleminz. It’s a Metaphorical shot. That one thing you’ve been wanting to do, and know you can, but haven’t pulled the trigger on yet? It’s there for you. Just take a slow controlled breath. Time the pull between heartbeats and slowly compress your index finger until the firing pin engages. Dammit. I bet I just got red flagged by some federal agency for Googling the words “proper sniper rifle techniques.” Power song? the Rolling Stones- Gimme Shelter

they call me the breeze…I keep going down the road…You know, one of these days I am going to do all Lynyrd Skynyrd power songs for a whole hororscope batch. Some of you won’t like that. Aaaaaand some of you can kiss the fattest part of my ass. Lynyrd Skynyrd is the 2nd greatest band in the history of ever behind, of course, Matchbox 20. You will encounter similar idiotic statements this week. Instead of engaging the source imbecile, just breeze on down the road because people that sing Long Day on Karaoke Night, are not people you want to invest any time in. Power song? Lynyrd Skynyrd- Call Me the Breeze

(June 22nd-July 22nd)
unchained, hit the ground running…Psalm 2:3 reads, “let us break their chains and throw off their fetters.” That’s right. I’m all bible-y now. Still nothing beats Ezekiel 23:20. ANYWAY. Throwing off some chains and fetters are we there Cancer?……….. No? Oh yeah, that is coming this week. Ol’ gray mare is about to unshoulder her yolk and do some free range grazing. Just remember, with great power comes great responsibility. And yes, I just plagiarized the sh!t out of Spiderman. Or was it FDR? Power song? Van Halen- Unchained

(July 23rd-Aug.21st)
ramble on, nows the time, the time is now….Rambling, stream of consciousness crazy person babble usually isn’t good for anything save sadistic entertainment purposes. But every once in a periwinkle moon, there’s some real knowledge twisted in with the “I-need-to-wear-this-colander-so-the-aliens-wont-be-able-to-track-my-brain-patterns” hilarity. Don’t immediately dismiss someone this week just because they are bat sh!t. Somewhere in their bat sh!ttyness is a gem you need to polish so it can shine for YOU. Power song? Led Zeppelin- Ramble On

nothing left to do tonight but go crazy on you…..Sorry Cappy’s. Wrong kind of crazy coming your way. Like maybe even ex-girlfriend wielding a box cutter crazy. Oddly enough, you should see it coming. I mean, you and something or someone have come to and end of a cycle here and the only thing left mathematically, according to Edward Lorenz’s Chaos Theory, is some left-field craziness that rode in from Eastern Africa on the wings of a butterfly. Good luck. Power song? Heart- Crazy on You

(Feb.20th-March 20th)
he’s the one that likes all our pretty songs…Pretty is always in style. Much like argyle socks. But unlike argyle socks, pretty has a tendency to be fake as well. We all know this. You Pisces are gonna have a small run here of having to deal with multiple fake people and they won’t all be pretty. In fact, one of them is going to be Ron Howards brother ugly. Point is, instead of letting these fake people get you riled up, pity them and move on. And if that doesn’t work you can always just get Courtney Love to blow your brains out. Power song? Nirvana- In Bloom

(May 22nd-June 21st)
I wanna rock!!!….I’ma tell you something. The teacher in the video for this power song, would’ve gotten his monkey ass kicked if he woulda talked like that to most of the students I went to high school with. For real. Just like when my fossil of a 10th grade English teacher said in front of the class on time,,,”Yes, Cranfill will be at the 10 year high school reunion only 50 pounds heavier.” To which I replied, “at least I’ll be here in 10 years…dick.” Don’t let authority types bust your marbles this week Gemini. Power song? Twisted Sister- I Wanna Rock

(April 21st-May 21st)
tell your children not to hear my words…..Raise your hand and keep it raised if you think JACK FM should start playing Mother by Danzig…. I need to do a count. Exactly what I thought. A unanimous yes. I’ve been trying to get the JACK musical gate keepers to play some Danzig since I started in 2005 but to no avail. It’s apparent to me now. I need to just go physically load it into the system and manually put it in the rotation. That’s how you get things done kiddies. Actions. Not words. Sure, Glen Danzig, even at 5 foot 6, can get it done with just his words but you sirs and madams, are no Glen Danzigs. Power song? Danzig- Mother

(March 21st-April 20th)
give it away, give it away, give it away now…It’s the holiday season. Time to do some giving Aries. And I don’t mean giving the finger to the back of the school bus full of 4th graders that cut you off. I mean you should really be charitable with your time, money and things this week. Especially if you have a jet-ski or jet-ski’s. I’ll take those. Because ever since Kenny Powers did it in Eastbound and Down, I think I kinda NEED to rock a jet ski with a slutty topless blonde riding on back. Power song? Red Hot Chili Peppers- Give it Away

(Sept.24th- Oct.23rd)
think I’ll lose my mind if I dont find something to pacify….You know how hard it is for me while writing this, listening to Paranoid  by Black Sabbath, to not walk out into the courtyard of my apartment building with a softball bat and start playing some dinner plate baseball with my dining set? THE GUITAR RIFF JUST MAKES ME WANT TO HULK SMASH EVERYTHING. Instead of doing that, I will simply dose myself real quick and go watch some cartoons. Keep close whatever pacifies you the most this week Libra. You’re gonna need it. Power song? Black Sabbath- Paranoid

(Aug.22nd- Sept.23rd)
baby wont you do me like you done before…Has it sunk in yet that Aerosmith is dead and Steven Tyler is a host on American Idol? Yeah. Ouch. But I guess that if you kept falling off of stages and breaking your shoulder, a nice comfy judges chair would look right nice to ya. You Virgo’s are currently wondering why this one thing or person isn’t doing ya like it did before. Well, maybe the cycle with them has simply reached its conclusion and it’s better to just move on. We don’t want another Devils Got a New Disguise do we? Power song? Aerosmith- Ragdoll


One Comment

  1. Evilevie says:

    I miss Danzig… Sigh……

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