Your HORROR-SCOPES for the WEEK!!!!!

pisces1 Your HORROR SCOPES for the WEEK!!!!!
We now reside in the time of PISCES. What does Dr. Cranfill foresee for all the signs in this installment of HORROR-SCOPES? And why is he only using POWER SONGS from the soundtrack of Topher Grace’s upcoming movie, Take Me Home Tonight? All questions answered here…

(Feb.20th-March 20th)
take me home tonight……Please…..No, for real. Could somebody take me home tonight here soon? I am seriously starting to find the girl from the Education Connection commercials attractive. Sue me. It’s been a while. Anyway, you Pisces should be looking to take something home tonight here soon. Not a person, but  some plans. You’ve been engineering a nice little project here recently and now’s the time to take it on home.  Put the top down and bask in the saxophone solo of success. Power song? Eddie Money- Take Me Home Tonight

(July 23rd- Aug.21st)
come on Eileen… The feeling I get inside, when I hear Cum On Eileen is probably the same feeling you would get if someone unexpectedly splashed piss in your face. That’s the level of contempt I have for this song. This song is forever linked in my mind to a certain bar I would semi-frequent when I lived in Charlotte, NC. I HATED that bar. They always played this song and every drunk mouth breather would slurringly sing along. If my baby mama didn’t work there, I would’ve never gone. But I did. For her. That’s what’s on tap for you this week. Taking one for the team. We’ll go ahead and salute you now. Powers song? Dexys Midnite Runners-Come On Eileen

(March 21st-April 20th)
let my love open the door….Let me ask you. Has there EVER been a cheesier line than ”let my love open the door….to your heart.” Jesus Pete Townsend. You’ll give us all diabetes with that kinda of sugary word play. Did we learn nothing from Wilfred Brimley? Listen Aries. Usually you’re borderline hypoglycemic so why the recent sweet approach on getting what you want? Is it because all other tacks have failed or is it because subconsciously you don’t REALLY want what you’re after? Get that question answered this week. Power song? Pete Townsend- Let Love Open the Door

(June 22nd-July 22nd)
custom built bike doing 103……Say it with me…YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSS!! CRUE!!! You know, if morons can cash in on lawsuits from spilling coffee in their lap then I should be able to sue Motley Crue for all the speeding tickets they caused me to have over the years. It’s direct causation……and stuff. Does life feel like a custom built bike doing 103 these days Cancers? Yeah. It’s cause of the tides and moon orbits and stuff. The brakes will be probably be pumped soon enough…………..I kid. It’s pretty much gonna be like this from now on. Maybe you should buckle up. Power song? Motley Crue- Kickstart My Heart

I’ll get to you somehow…..Weird. I didn’t even know that was a Yaz lyric when I wrote it blood on the picture of January Jones that is the centerpiece of the altar I have for her in my closet. I’ll have to remember that. ”I’ll get to you somehow” DOES sound like Yazoo is scheming on someone but then again, look at them. Who are those guys gonna hurt? Nobody. Scorpio’s, avoid worrying and wasting time on people who can’t hurt you and instead focus on the ones that can. Power song? Yazoo- Situation

she’s got Betty Davis eyes…You may have not even noticed yet that every single power song in this batch of horrorscopes appears on the soundtrack to Topher Grace’s new movie Take Me Home Tonight, in theatres Friday, March 4th. PLUG! He paid me 10 bucks to do that when he was here in the JACK studios last week. No for real. I really am that cheap. Anyway. Betty Davis Eyes is about the pitfalls of pretty things. Hmm. The only pitfalls I care about are the ones in level 8 of Pitfall on Atari. God that game ruled. Don’t you be worrying about pitfalls of pretty things Sagits. Life isn’t worth living if you can’t revel in the pretty things from time to time right? Power song? Kim Carnes- Betty Davis Eyes

it’s me who put you where you are now…..You know what’s really weird? Danny Bonaduce seriously says the exact same thing to me EVERY SINGLE time I run into him. I’ve never even met Danny Bonaduce but oddly enough I totally agree with him. All of us receive help climbing up this mountain of mediocrity we call life.  I want you Aquarii to spend less time honoring those that helped and more time honoring the one that actually did. You. You did the work. You deserve this. You are the greatest person here. And humble too. Wonder what I meant by that? Power song? Human League- Don’t You Want Me


video killed the radio star….Do you know anyone who really and truly likes this song? Nope. The only reason it’s part of the pop music lexicon is because it was the first video MTV ever played and I ask you, what has MTV done for us since then? Jersey Shore? Eric Nies? Real World New Orleans? You can keep all of that sh!t. Virgo’s, be thinking about who and what you surround yourself with and then honestly ask yourself…”Self, do I really like these people and things or am I more interested in their popularity?” Power song? the Buggles- Video Killed the Radio Star


you used to walk along with me….The beginning of this song always makes me think of Christmas for some reason. Am I alone there?………I am? Well, nothing new there. I used to have people that would walk along with me. That was before I found the Narnia that is mescaline. In kind of a lonely place now…………sorry. You didn’t come here to listen to me wax forlornly. Libra’s. You are struggling to accomplish something on your own right now. What’s holding you back is that you need to flip-a-bitch real quick and go back to pick up somebody you left behind earlier in the journey. They are the extra push you’ve been missing. Power song? Naked Eyes- There’s Always Something There

(May 22nd-Jun.21st)
Geminieverybody Wang Chung tonight….Yes. You have heard this song a billion times. Yes, it’s been in countless commercials and movies. Yes, it was the groom and groom first dance at Lance Bass’ marriage reception. But that doesn’t mean you have to act like you’re too good to enjoy it. Let your Wang Chung hang out on something juvenile and stupid this week. Don’t be the hipster douchebaguette that’s too cool to enjoy anything. I wanna elbow that guy in the temple. Avoid my wrath by embracing the overtly silly with open arms this week. Power song? Wang Chung- Everybody Have Fun Tonight

(Dec.23rd- Jan. 20th)

whassup? Tell em where you’re from…..You know that is about the only line in Straight Outta Compton I can even quote here without having to talk to the JACK FM HR department later? NWA was harder than Martian diamonds son!!! Seriously. If you were around when NWA first came out then you remember how truly frightening and abrasive they were. But you couldn’t stop listening. It worked for them and it can work for you. You don’t have to declare war on the LAPD (and in fact I advise against that) but there is something to be said for channeling your inner MC Ren from time to time. Power song? NWA- Straight Outta Compton (TOTALLY NSFW)

(April 21st- May 21st)
you’ll feel my heat, I’m just a moment behind ….Oooooooooooo. Hungry like a wolf…feel my heat, just a moment behind?….I get it now. Simon Le Bon was talking about banging somebody. How did I never catch that before? Probably because there is no fixing the kind of dumb I’ve got. But you? There may still be hope for you. If you listen up. Somebody wants something from you but they’ve been speaking in code instead of coming direct. Think on it for a bit. When you realize who it is and what they want, you will have gained a significant upper hand. Power song? Duran Duran- Hungry Like the Wolf


One Comment

  1. Kevin McPeek says:

    Justin is a profit…um, no wait. Prophet

  2. evie says:

    the bull-headed beeeaaatch wants to know whoooooooo is speaking in code to her!?!!?!??!? And do they like spankings?

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