Guinness, Corned Beef, Four Leaf Clovers, and, uh, Enya… There are lots of great things that have come out of Ireland.  But some Irish people can be real bastards.  The following is a list of five people who would probably be well served by a beat-down from another great Irish invention, the shillelagh.

Bob Geldof

“And the Christmas Bells that Ring there are the Clanging Chimes of DOOM!”

Yeah, you would THINK that line would be from some awesome Death Metal Christmas compilation. But alas, it is from that Band Aid collaboration “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” a song so pretentious, it makes charity seem like a bad idea.

Bob Geldof is the main person responsible for this abomination, along with “We Are The World,” another song in the same vein. I guess with all the cocaine use in the 80’s, we all had to feel guilty for something.

Michael Flatley

I’ll be honest, I don’t know that much about Michael Flatley. Just that he’s in something called “Lord of the Dance.” I hate the fact that I know that, and someone needs to pay for that. That someone might as well be Michael Flatley.

Plus, to my knowledge, he’s never apologized for Lord of the Dance.

Bram Stoker

According to Bram Stoker’s Wikipedia page, he is the author of the fictional novel “Dracula” and he “Died” on April 20, 1912. And you can believe that if you choose to. I, on the other hand, think Dracula was Bram Stoker’s autobiography, an he’s still out there, living on the blood of the innocent.

The Shillelagh will hold him off, but really, we’re gonna need to stab Bram Stoker in the heart if we’re ever to be truly safe.

And if Bram hadn’t written that autobiography, we probably wouldn’t be stuck with this current crop of sucky vampires like those in the Twilight series and junk. Although Vampires did give us this scene, so maybe they’re not all bad-


Yeah, he looks like a giant jar of mayonnaise, but what really upsets me is that he threw Mark Cuban through a table. Is that any way to treat the future owner of the Dodgers? No. No it is not.

Plus, if I time this beat-down for a Monday night, I’ll have thousands cheering me on live, and millions watching on the USA Network. Score!

Frank McCourt

Remember how I was talking about the future owner of the Dodgers not deserving a beat-down?

Well, I feel exactly the opposite about the CURRENT owner of the Dodgers. Honestly, I wouldn’t hate Frank McCourt if he would just sell the Dodgers and fade into obscurity. But he does seem determined to piss off as many people as possible.

I don’t know how Irish McCourt actually is, but seeing as he is most deserving of a beat-down, he claims the top spot on this list.


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