jch5 Dr. Cranfill Presents: HORROR SCOPES!!!
Photo Credit/P.Higgy

It’s a new week and you people need guidance. Come and get it in the latest installment of Dr. Cranfill Presents: Horror-scopes!!!!

what does it take to fall in love…..This may sound really creepy but I am telling you to JUST LET IT HAPPEN. Aquarii? You may just be on the cusp of finding the new love of your life. May be a partner. May be a hobby. May be a new pet. May be a department store mannequin. Point is you gotta be mentally available and ready to just let it happen. That’s all it takes. The willingness and courage to be swept away by the undertow into the profound depths of an ocean of love…….(barf). Power song? Talking Heads- I’m Not In Love

(June 22nd-July 22nd)
too shy shy, hush hush, eye to eye…..Can you believe these people actually called themselves Kajagoogoo? Honestly. Cocaine must’ve been much better in the 80’s than it is nowadays. The only time shy works for ANYBODY is if they are wearing a school girl outfit, batting their eyelashes and biting their bottom lip. All other shyness comes off as weak, boring or just plain rude. Cancers can have a shy side amidst the all their peacockery. I need more peacock and less schoolgirl outta you this week Cancers. Shyness is not a good look for you right meow. Power song? Kajagoogoo- Too Shy

(Feb.20th-March 20th)
that summer wind, came a blowin’ in……Frank Sinatra has one. The Scorpions have one. Bob Dylan, Kansas, Elton John…..hell even Patrick Swayze has a song about the winds but none of them have the calming power of ol’ Blue Eyes. So soothing. So right. Changes are a coming Pisces and instead of being afraid of change like a Republican I want you to sit back, pour yourself a dry martini, light a cigar, kick your shoes off, put up your feet and bask in the warmth of this summer wind. Besides. Don’t you have a Rat Pack to back you up in these times of change? Yeah, thought so. Power song? Frank Sinatra- Summer Wind

cause she’s heart and soul…..I dunno about you but whenever I think of Huey Lewis and the News I can’t help but reminisce on Paul Allen taking that axe to the face. Yes that was a movie reference. Patrick Batemans heart and soul was loathing and contempt yet he embraced it and it made for one hell of a narrative. If it ever even really happened but that’s beside the point. Virgo, get back to your heart and soul this week whatever it may be. It may not get you reservations at Dorsia but it will at least put you at peace. #HUEY@JACKS7THSHOWPLEASE. Power song? Huey Lewis and the News- Heart and Soul

(Apr.21st-May 21st)
trust me girl. you wanna be high for this……I am just gonna be 1000% honest here. You are getting High for This from the Weekend as your power song simply because I wanted an excuse to ogle the girls in this video. Yes ogle is a word. Look it up Doug. So….you wanna be high for this? I…..Uh…..yeah…sorry. Totally forgot where I was going with this. Watch the video, then you’ll understand. You’re on your own this week Taurus. Obviously I am busy. Power song? the Weekend- High for This

(March 21st-Apr.20th)
gonna stand my ground, i wont back down…..Yeah, Tom Petty SAYS that but I bet if I put this knife to his neck he’d change his tune. WHOA. No idea where that came from. Inappropriate. Sorry. Tom’s right though. You can’t back down on this current strife you’re dealing with. If you do, it’s gonna set a bad precedent with your opponent. Instead, be the North Carolina Chapel Hill mascot. A Tarheel. Named as such because soldiers in the Civil War from North Carolina were known to never break ranks or run, as if they had “tar on their heels”. 5 National Titles on that resume too for the record.  Power song? Tom Petty- I Won’t Back Down

no one can see inside your view…..At first glance, this particular horrorscope seems like something a Cancer usually needs to hear. You been hanging out with Cancers here recently Capricorn? Look. Cancers are a gigantic pain in the ass because they just assume everyone knows what they are feeling and thinking instead of them just out and out saying it. For some odd reason you Caps have been guilty of that here recently. Knock that isht off. We don’t need any more mute, sensitive pricks to play 20 questions with. Power song? Portishead- Strangers

very superstitious, writings on the wall….You ever get the feeling that we don’t deserve Stevie Wonder? Seriously, no other album EVER really comes close to touching Songs in the Key of Life. Nope, not even Swass. Anyway. You Scorpios have been known to carry superstitions. And knives usually. I want you to put the knife down but hold fast to those superstitions. With superstition usually comes ritual and it’s this calming ritual that will be your saving grace this week. And if you think you aren’t superstitious, well, you ARE reading a horrorscope right now. #justsaysing. Power song? Stevie Wonder- Superstition

(Nov.23rd- Dec.22nd)
hard work fine but first take care of head.….Looking at the lyrics of this song, if my math is correct Bradley Nowell is saying he smoked 14 joints a day. 14!!! I smoke ONE any more and I have trouble following Sportscenter. Bradley knew how to CHILL though. You could take a page from his book Sagits. No, not the OD’ing on heroin part ya jerk, I mean the chillness. Hard work IS fine, but that head? Take care of that thing, you only get one. Find time to truly relax that noggin. THIS IS NOT ME TELLING YOU TO GET HIGH. (but it certainly couldn’t hurt) Power song? Sublime- Two Joints

(Sept.24th- Oct.23rd)
don’t cover yourself in thistle and weeds…..Mumford and his respective sons speak of hope and growth in Thistle and Weeds, your power song for the week. As important as Hope is for the 2012 US Women’s teams chances in London, she is equally important to you Libras this week. Hope sometimes is all we got and when you’re down to hope and hope alone, cling to it like the last X-Box at sale price on Black Friday. Pepper spray usurpers of your hope if you have to. Keep the dream alive Libra. Don’t cover yourself with thistle and weeds. Power song? Mumford and Sons- Thistle and Weeds

(May 22nd- June 21st)
i have nothing, if i don’t have  you…..Yeah that’s right. I love Whitney Houston and she’s got your power song this week. What of it Gemini? Yeah. I didn’t think so. Now that we’ve established you wont be giving me any shit for being a Whitney Houston mark we can move on with this horror-scope. Question. Who’s your emotional anchor Gemini? Whose absence would leave you most crippled and adrift? Identify this person and do something over the top special for them this week. Ships need their anchor lest they end up beached on a deserted island with only a volleyball to talk to. Power song? Whitney Houston- I Have Nothing

(July 23rd- Aug.21st)
voices in my head, echoes of things you said….You know what the two most powerful things on the planet are? If you said the Super Hadron Collider and OPEC technically you’d be correct but in my world? The world you are living in right now? The two strongest things are cleavage and the power of words. Words, much like A+ cleavage, have a tendency of staying with you long after first exposure. Instead of going introspective with this, I want you Leo’s to look outward and be cognizant of everything you say to everyone this week. You’d be surprised what sticks with people. Power song? the Police- Voices in My Head



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