The Best Diets For Your Flabby, Unattractive Body

Still bummed your didn’t make it in Jack’s Muscle Madness?

Don’t sweat it. The only reason you weren’t voted in is due to the fact that you still have body fat – albeit 1% body fat. But in SoCal, fat is fat – and you’re a Flabby McUglyGut.

Below are the five absolute worst best diets to shed some pounds (or kill you) before slipping into that swimsuit this summer.

1) Chicken soup diet

For this salty little test, you’re allowed one breakfast, (just one now, fatties) then for the rest of the day, all the chicken soup you can eat! Sounds like a bloated, sodium-laden good time.

2) Blood type diet

According to developer, Dr. Peter D’Adamo, you can lose weight by eating and avoiding certain foods depending on your blood type. We didn’t know that blood type had anything to do with common sense nutrition, but hey, to each his own.

3) Caveman diet

While it eliminates all the good stuff, at least this diet allows the dieter some actual nutrition. The idea is to eat with a hunter-gatherer mentality: think Geico caveman…or Sticker Pimp Logan (insert photo here). Got it? Now you’re in character! On the menu are lean meats, fruits, veggies, nuts, and roots. This idea is great in theory, until you think about the average life span of a caveman…

4) Master Cleanse

We finish the list with the famed Master Cleanse, Lemon Cleanse, Maple Syrup diet, Death…whatever you want to call it. For a minimum of ten days, you get to enjoy a concoction comprised solely of fresh squeezed lemon juice, maple syrup, cayenne pepper, and water. Who needs solid foods!


5) Tapeworm Diet

How nice! Instead of changing your eating habits or limiting food intake, all you have to do is willingly ingest a tapeworm. Once you’ve lost the desired amount of weight, just take a pill to kill the sucker. What a miracle! Here’s a video of tapeworm removal:


Oh yeah, and that weight will definitely stay off.


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