jch1 Dr. Cranfill Presents: Horrorscopes!!!

Finally Dr. Cranfill got off his increasingly lazy duff and wrote some new horrorscopes for you people. The least you can do is feign interest. Also, he has your power songs for the week.

(May 22nd-June 21st)
Geminii’m not a perfect person……It is with ZERO pride and GREAT anger that I tell you that JACK FM actually plays this Hoobastanker. And being the small and petty person I am, if I have to put up with this hot mulch then somebody is gonna suffer along with me. And that somebody is YOU Gemini. What can I say? I’ma miserable prick. Which is probably why I am on this current 10,000K run of being single. Don’t be a whirlpool like me dragging everything down with you this week. Instead, be a high-salinity ocean like the Pacific that can even keep a Texas-sized plastic garbage patch afloat. Power song? Hoobaawful- the Reason

(April 21st-May 21st)
Taurushere I go again, I see crystal visions….Yea, you’ll see a lot of crystal visions. Especially if you’re on bath salts apparently. Even drug free we see things that aren’t really there day to day. Like when JACK FM plays that bunch of goats sound effect thing right after every single Fleetwood Mac song, we’re not agreeing with South Park that at times Stevie Nicks CAN in fact sound like a goat. Heavens no. That’s just some weird statistical anomaly. Point being, don’t look too much into things this week. You’ll see just about anything you come in looking for. Especially faces. Delicious, delicious human faces. Power song? Fleetwood Mac- Dreams

(June 22nd-July 22nd)
Cancer- our lips are sealed…..I’ve never had what you’d call tact so I will just say this. Cancers? Ya’ll need to STFU right about now. Those loose lips are about to start sinking some ships if you’re not careful. I get it, you guys are talkers but you might should introduce some discretion to that flapping hummus hole of yours. And before you get worked up, understand this. I am a Cancer and this is pretty much advice I am giving myself too. But if we both learn to keep our lips sealed we might even be able to tour until we’re 90 years old too. Or however old the Go-Go’s are now. Power song? The Go-Go’s- Our Lips Are Sealed

(July 23rd-Aug. 21st)
Leo- experience the warmth before you, grow, old….This warmth Incubii is singing of, is not the you just peed yourself variety. Oh no. This is that really give yourself to something or someone before you die variety. Yeah, I don’t know when these hororrscopes got so sentimental either. Must’ve been around the ninth line of Ambien. Don’t repeat that. But honestly, there’s scant feelings in this emotional world better than getting a full return on dedication spent. You may be close to this kinda payoff if you just stick with whatever you’re swimming thru right now. Power song? Incubus- the Warmth

(March 21st-April 20th)
Aries- they keep me thinking we almost had it all….Yeah, you’ve probably heard this song 2.3 billion times since November 2010 but so what? Shut your hipster, too good for it mouth and listen up,  you might relearn something. Adele got strung along and burned by her lover and turned it into THE BEST SELLING ALBUM OF THE LAST DECADE. When most of us get strung along and burned we turn it into eating whole containers of Miracle Whip and sulkily driving by their house too many times in one night. Or so say the police that were called. Look, you’re no Adele. Make sure your currently not being strung along. I don’t see many Grammy Awards for you in that future. Power Song? Adele- Rolling in the Deep

Scorpio- like gasoline you pump me up….The first time I heard Unskinny Bop on JACK FM, I remember thinking, “Dayum! Whens the last time I heard THIS?” That answer would inevitably be 1992. 93 at the latest. But it was a nice nostalge. Yes nostalgia is a verb now. After a while though, Bop just became part of the fabric of JACK FM. And we had to move on and find other songs to play. But for that moment, Unskinny Bop was just what we needed. We all need new and exciting things to play with Scorpio, just don’t forget to circle back every once in a while to mine for the forgotten gems of your life. Power song? Poison- Unskinny Bop

Sagittarius- when I want something and I don’t want to pay for it….Which for me is pretty much 23/7. Don’t ask what I’m doing that other hour every day. You don’t even wanna know. In America, unless you are stealing in the billion dollar range, chances are you ain’t getting away with it. Stealing is bad mmmmkay? And I’m not just talking shoplifting or embezzlement here, I also mean social petty larceny. Be wary of inadvertently “stealing” someones moment or attentions this week. Because if you do, believe me you will pay for it somewhere down the line. And you don’t want that on your rap sheet. Power song? Janes Addiction- Been Caught Stealing

(Feb.20th-March 20th)
Piscesdont play no game that I cant win….Since I last wrote horrorscopes, we lost MCA from the Beastie Boys. Clucking sucks. I’ll say this, I can’t remember anyone EVER saying anything bad about the Beastie Boys. Never once did you hear anyone say, “Man I hate the Beastie Boys!” Rare for anyone ever to be able to say that about anything or anybody. Cancer took MCA at 47 years young which is yet another reminder that life can be all too short. Pisces? Don’t waste yours playing no games that you can’t win. Power song? Beastie Boys feat Santigold- Don’t Play No Game

CapricornI’m coming straight on for you…Jack’s 6th show stage preferences aside, one thing you can say about Heart is they definitely had in your face swagger. And not no white-washed, 18 year old Canadian, plastic consumable product, Oh Baby Baby Baby type swag but a real, effortless, enrapturing swagger. The Wilson’s were born with it. Most of you weren’t. But you can achieve it this week by going straight on for whatever is coming at you. Do it with enough blind, stupid confidence and you might just fool some people in to coming along with you. Power song? Heart- Straight On

Aquarius- when the going gets tough, the tough get going…Congratulations Aquarii. You get a power song from the preeminent artist of our time, and any other time for that matter, Mr. Billy Ocean. I won’t even try to improve upon the lyrical knowledge O-Dog dropped on us with this one. Quite simple Aquarii, when the going gets tough, the tough get going. Are you tough or are you cookie dough? Delicious, irresistible, where’s my cookie dough eatin’ spoon?….mmmmm…Either way I’m good here. The decision is yours. Power song? Billy Ocean- When the Going Gets Tough

Virgo- now youre just somebody that i used to know….And you’re also #24 video all time on Youtube with over 234 million views. Sure the chances of Gotye getting another hit this big are slimmer than January Jones ever winning an Oscar. But unlike fat-ass Betty Draper, at least Gotye is responsible for their own success and didn’t just get knocked up while filming X-Men First Class to remain semi-relevant. THAT’S KINDA WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED. Then again, I guess its better to have been somebody that they used to know than to have been somebody they never even knew existed. Which are you gonna be Virgo? Power song? Gotye- Somebody That I Used to Know

Libra- you got to wait, I DONT WANNA WAIT…….Next person that says to me nobody makes good music anymore is getting smashed in the face with an Alabama Shakes LP. Word life son. Marcy. AB front-woman Brittany Howard sings of perseverance on Hold On and you’d do well to take this soulful advice. Yeah sure, thinks suck out of measure sometimes but you gotta hold on and keep moving forward. Second to boobs, that ever moving forward trait may just be mankind’s most endearing feature. Power song? Alabama Shakes- Hold On


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