In an epic example of how to be the biggest loser in the world, some dude named James Hackett in Lowell, Massachusetts was arrested last Friday for throwing fresh out of the McDonald’s fryer french fries at his stepdaughter’s face after he got into a fight with his wife and her daughter decided to interject.

The girl wasn’t hurt, save for some french fry grease on her visage, and Hackett pleaded not guilty to assault with a dangerous weapon (a french fry?!?). The judge ordered the wiley french fry throwing piece of trash to keep the eff away from his stepdaughter.

JACK FM has always felt like the ugly, mistreated stepdaughter, so in that spirit here is a list of five things JACK FM thinks you should throw at a young, defenseless, barely grown-up girl. And JACK FM, of course. We’re still breaking in this training bra.

5 Things You Show Throw At Your Stepdaughter

  • Money. All women love money and if you really don’t want them complaining incessantly to their first high school boyfriend about what a “jerk” their step dad is then you should win your way into your new daughter’s heart with money. Every time you see her, throw her a $20. Wait, can JACK be your stepdaughter?
  •  Kind words. Every father-alienated teenage girl knows that a kind word or two thrown their way from the stranger mommy decided to bring home to warm her bed is worth even more than the stranger on the internet they are talking to specifically to fill that missed father-daughter role in her sad soul and are contemplating meeting at the Starbucks down the street. Just this once.
  • A pair of keys to a new car. Don’t just get your own children a nifty used 1994 Volvo for their 16th birthday. Get your stepdaughter something too, but get her something better and you will score mad points with both her and the woman who looks at you naked. Gross. Have you seen yourself lately?
  • Scholarships. Have you heard about the rise in tuition prices? Plus, she’ll bring home all those hot co-ed friends for the holidays.
  • Nothing. You shouldn’t be throwing anything at anyone. Be a grown man and don’t throw stuff at little girls who are still barely sorting out the boob-growth bleeding-every-month thing. If she pisses you off, be a man. Real men don’t abuse women and children.

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