How to Make Friends (Like a Jerk)

by Patrick Braud

Today is Friendship Day and as I look around my apartment at my fourteen cats, three raccoons, two and a half lizards and a goat, I realize I am a very lucky man to be surrounded by this many friends. Especially if you count the bus driver and mailman as friends. I mean, they never come when I invite them over to play “Guess What Happened to the Other Half of the Lizard” or similarly fun games, but I know they’re cool. They’re just busy right now.

But I know from the internet and people being sad on Reddit that some people aren’t as fortunate to have as many friends as I do. Here, I’ll start you off: we’re friends now! If you’re reading this, we are actively friends. There, you’ve got one! But I am not coming to your friend’s “No Doubt” cover band show.

Anyway, you’ll probably want more friends than just me, especially since I refuse to keep you company at your friend’s stupid thing. Also because I have a tendency to sleepwalk into my friends’ homes late at night in an old timey burglar costume and thieve their favorite large burlap sacks.
I think this might just be a sack full of other sacks, but I’m still going for it.

I think this might just be a sack full of other sacks, but I’m still going for it.

Fortunately I already have a well-established series of self-help guides, so after attempting to take random pages from each of those and glue them into a new book to give my publisher, he said that I couldn’t do that and I would have to write a new one. So here you are, you thankless bastards.

Get outside

This step is really important. Probably the most important in the sense that it’s really hard to make and most importantly keep friends if you don’t leave your place to go interact with them. You can try and meet folks through the internet first if that’s your bag, but you’ll still have to actually go to another location to find them.

It is also very important to find out where they live, because if you’re really in a bind and need a place to hide out from the fuzz or the people from the petting zoo who want their goat back, they’re gonna be your go to buddy. Remember, a true friend is one who will aid and abet your so-called “criminal” activity.



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