By Dr. Cranfill

Dear little 8lb., 6oz newborn infant baby Jesus, if it is your will…can you please help me out in picking games in week 5 of the NFL season? I sucketh so far and I fear the JACK FM listener infidels will be coming for my head soon if i don’t turn this season around. In all your infinite grace and good humor, Amen.

Green Bay Packers (-7) vs Detroit Lions (10:00am PST on FOX)

FYI, Green Bay has won 14 out of the last 15 match-ups vs the Lions. Last time the Lions WON in Wisconsin? 1991. Yeeeeee-ikes. Although, on a personal note I don’t think it’s a good idea for the Packers to be taking on a bunch of Lions without a single Daniel on their squad. Daniel 6:16 says that’s not a good idea so screw it, I’ll take the Lions…… cover. Not to win outright. Even Westboro Baptist’ faith ain’t that strong.

Cincinnati Bengals (-1) vs New England Patriots (10:00am PST on CBS)

Just when you thought the Bungles weren’t the Bungles anymore, they go out and lose to BRIAN FREAKIN HOYER and the Cleveland Browns last week. No wonder tigers are damn near extinct. Now they get Tom Brady and the undefeated Patriots? Thing is, neither team is performing very well against the spread this year. Pats 1-3, Cincy 2-2. So how to decide? Well, from a historical context we know Patriots used muskets which are a bitch to load and when you’re facing a genetic killer with the speed and grace of a tiger, a musket just aint gonna cut it. Take the Bengals to win.

Chicago Bears vs (-1) New Orleans Saints (10:00am on FOX)

The Bears an underdog at home? Now that’s a slap in the face. I love slapping people in the face. It’s my favorite. But even I wouldn’t slap a bear in the face. Unless of course I’m at the Abbey in West Hollywood for some reason. Then, who knows? I’ll take the Bears here because of one of the unspoken rules in NFL gambling…Always take the home underdog coming off a division loss. Bears lost to the Lions last week so there you go.

San Diego Chargers (-4.5) vs Oakland Raiders (8:35PST on NFL Network)

All bets should be off when AFC West teams get together. Their may not be a division in football that genuinely hates their division rivals as much as the AFC West. Chargers are 3-0-1 vs the spread this year while the Raiders are also impressive at 3-1. No real separation there. Chargers are coming off a nice home win vs the Cowboys while the Raiders are coming off what hopefully will be the last time we see QB Matt Flynn on an NFL field. A 24-14 home loss to the Redskins. But this week, Raiders QB Terrell Pryor is back so screw it, I’ll take the Raiders money line to win it in the Whale’s Vagina.


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